Small but Mighty

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "I like Pluto. It may be a small planet, but it could still make a difference."
Ella (age 7) - "And if not, it can be dealt with."

The King's Game

Ella (age 7) - "Chess club today was OFF. THE. HOOK."

Knock Knock

Sophie (age 2 1/2) - "Knock Knock!!"
Me - "Who's there?"
Sophie - "Cheese!"
Me - "Cheese who?"
Sophie - "Pickles."

When You Gotta Go

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "Sometimes, when it's an emergency, you just have to hold it."

Ella (age 7) - "Yeah, I know."

Thirty second pause

Ella - "I have to think about unicorns."

Wrong Side of the Bed

Me - "Good morning, Sophie!"
Sophie (age 2) - "No."

Five second pause, during which we eye each other.

Sophie - "Me need you coffee!"





* I don't actually drink coffee.

The Opera

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "My trip to the opera is on the 27th, Mommy. Don't forget."
Me - "I won't, Lil."
Ella (age 7) - "I wish I could go to the opera. I need to learn how to break glass."

PowerPoint

Me - "What did you girls do at school today?"
Lily (age 8 1/2) - "I finished my PowerPoint."
Ella (age almost 7) - "What's a PowerPoint?"
Lily - "It's something about something that you do for something."
Ella - "..."
Lily - "Mine was about penguins."

Is That So?

Ella (age almost 7) - "This meat sauce could use more sauce. I mean, it's good and all, but..."
Me - "And you could use less sass."
Ella - "It's part of my charm."

Good Morning?

Me - "Hi! Good morning, Lukey!"
Luke (age 4) - "Hi."

Luke continues to stand in front of me and stare.

Me - "Hi."
Luke - "Us already did that."
Me - "What?"
Luke - "That 'hi' thing."
Me - "..."

Pigskin Pigout

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "Man, I love football. I mean, really love it."
Me - "Oh, yeah?"
Lily - "Yes. I don't understand it. And I don't know who plays it. And I don't know the rules."
Me - "..."
Lily - "But the food is great!"

Even Babies Know

Sophie (age 2) - "Dat Ella too loud!!!!"

News to Me

Me - "Where's Daddy?"
Sophie (age 2) - "Ah Ghan Tan!"
Me - "What's he doing there?"
Sophie - "Shopping!"

Too Many Girls

Luke (age 4) - "Daddies have babies."

Me - "No, Mommies have the babies."

Luke - "But Daddies have babies, too. That's why dey are Daddies."

Me - "Oh, yes, they do. But all babies grow in Mommies' tummies."

Luke - "Oh, ok."

Five second pause

Luke - "You grow me a brudder? I need a brudder."

Me - "Umm, no."

Five second pause

Luke - "Peese?"

Luke - "He can seep in my woom wif me. I need a baby. But not a girl one."

Shoe Love is True Love

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "Why are shoes so important to teen girls???"
Ella - (age almost 7) - "Uh, because they don't want to get their feet dirty?"

Goth Girl

Ella (age 6 3/4) - "Mom, can I be goth?"
Me - "Umm, no."
Ella - "Goth, but all pink?"
Me - "..."

I Don't

Lily (age 8 1/2) - "What are they building there?"
Me - "I don't know, Lil. Looks like a restaurant, maybe."
Lily - "What kind?"
Me - "I'm not sure. The construction isn't very far along."
Luke (age 4) - "I hope it's hot dogs!!"

Aloha

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "I wish I could go to Hawaii."
Me - "You've been."
Ella- "Really?"
Me - "Yes, Lily's been three times and you've been twice."
Ella - "And Lukey has never been."
Me - "No, Luke has only been when he was in my tummy."
Luke - "You...ated me?"

Chips and Salsa

Lily (age 8) - "Mom, can we have some chips and salsa?"
Me - "Sure, give me a minute and I'll get you some."
Lily - "Mmmm, I'm a Mexican lover."
Lily - "Mexican FOOD. I don't know any Mexicans."
Me - "..."
Lily - "I'm sure I'd like them if I did, though."

I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

After falling over a small infant at the gym and making her cry*

Luke (age almost 4): "I meaned to do dat."



*Also heard after spilling an entire plate of spaghetti on the floor and after smashing my fingers in the pantry door.

Breakfast

Lily (age 8) - "Mommy."
Me (still groggy from sleep) - "Yes?"
Lily - "Someone let Luke butter his own waffle this morning. It did not end well."
Me - "Oh."

Watching Cartoons

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Wait, so this guy Gargamel wants to EAT the Smurfs?"
Me - "Yeah, sometimes he wants to eat them, sometimes he wants to make a potion with them."
Ella - "..."
Ella - "And there is only one girl?"
Me - "Yep, Smurfette."
Ella - "This show is not right."

Chores

Lily (age 8) - "Mommy, can Ella and I have some chores to get an allowance?"
Me - "Lily, that would be great. Can you start by helping me now?"
Lily - "Of course!"
Me - "Great! Can you put away all of the groceries that belong in the fridge?"
Lily - "Sure! I can do that."

That's Racist!

Lily (age 8) - "I laughed so loud, people in China dropped their noodles."
Me - "..."
Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Because people in China eat a lot of noodles, Mom."



You, too?

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Ugh. I so need a night out."

Modest, too

Ouch

Me - "I want to go over and look at the swimsuits. I need a new one."
Lily (age 8) - "Uhh, do they make swimsuits in YOUR size?"
Me - "..."

Tubby Time

Luke (age almost 4) - "Mommy, I in tub too long."
Me - "Really? Why?"
Luke - "My toes are gwumpy."
Me - "Your toes are... grumpy?"
Luke - "Yes, wook at dem."
Me - "Oh! Your toes are wrinkly!"
Luke - "Yes. Dats whut I telled you. Gwumpy."

Scam Artist

Luke (age almost 4) - "Mommy, you give me Buzz Lightyear bandaid? This ouchie"
Me - "Come here, let me see what's wrong."
Luke - "Ok. It invisible, so you can't see, dough."

Much Too Busy

Sophie (age 2) - "Hep me! I stuck!"
Luke (age almost 4) - "I can't help you right now, woman."

Use Your Manners

Sophie (age 2) - "Whas dat?"
Me - "My face."
Sophie - "Ewwww."
Me - "Oh, thanks."
Sophie - "Welcome!"

Narrowing it Down

Lily (age 8) - "Was Dwyane Wade the basketball guy on that episode of Suite Life on Deck about the twister?"

Me - "No, that wasn't Dwyane Wade."

Lily - "Who was it then?"

Me - "I can't remember. Give me a minute."

Lily - "It was a really, really tall black man."

The Source

Me - " Oh my. What stinks up here?"
Sophie (age 2) - "Me!!"

Biting Words

Luke ( age almost 4) - "Mommy, Ella bite me!!"
Ella ( age 6 1/2) - "I did NOT!"
Luke - "You DID. You BITE me!"
Ella - "No. I just fell. With my mouth open. On your foot."

Thanks?

A mint that someone has tried and discarded.

Rush

Sophie (age 2) - "Momma, me wuv Wush!!"
Me - "You love Rush?"
Sophie - "Yes! Wush!"
Me - "Um. Well. You certainly have an eclectic taste in music."
Lily (age 8) - "Mom. She means Big Time Rush. Duh."
Me - "Oh."

Make An Appointment

Heads Up!

Left for me today, by Lily:

Truth Hurts

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Mommy, can you wrap this towel around me like you do?"
Me - "Sure, but it might not work."
Ella - "Ok."

Fifteen seconds of trying to wrap the towel.

Me - "Sorry, Ella, it's not going to work. You're too skinny."
Ella - "Oh, it works for you because you're so fat, huh?"

Clean Up

Me - "Ella, you spilled water all over the floor. Clean it up."
Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Ok, Mommy."

One Minor Problem

Luke, to whom Lily addressed this note, cannot read.

Mr. Lucas

Me - "Trevor Bannister died."
Mom - "Who?"
Me -  "Trevor Bannister, 'Mr. Lucas.'"
Mom - "Oh! I didn't recognize the name straight away."
Me - "Is he the last to go? No, isn't Capt. Peacock still alive?"
Mom -  "I don't know. But Mollie Sugden died and I know John Inman did as well."
Me - "You're right. Ages ago, right?"
Mom - "Recently, I think. Last few years for both, I'm almost positive."
Me - "Really? It seems like it wasn't that recent."

Ten seconds of Google skill work.

Me - "You're right. This says Inman died in 2007 and Sugden in 2009."
Mom: - "That's what I thought. And Miss Brahms died a couple of years back."
Me - "Who was I thinking of that died a while ago, then?"
Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Abraham Lincoln."

What's my name?

Luke (age 3 1/2) - "No, she's Annabella Victoria Robbins!"
Me - "Yes, that's her full name. What's yours?"
Luke - "Lukey!"
Me - "No, your full name, like 'Sophie Leigh Robbins' is Sophie's."
Luke - "Lukey! L-U-K-E!!!"
Me - "No, your middle name as well. Just like 'Lillian Rayne' is Lily's."
Luke - "Oh. Boogerface. Lukey Boogerface."

Breakfast

Ella (age 4 1/2) - "I shoulda cooked this."

To Do

Ella (age 6 1/2) left me a To Do list.

NASCAR

(During a SportsCenter segment on NASCAR) 

Lily (age 7) - "Car racing? What is this crap?!?!"

Old Lady

Ella (age 4) - "When you were a kid what did they call you?"
Me - "Ruth."
Ella - "That's an old lady name."

Mashed Potatoes

Ella (age 3) - "Is Texas a place what likes mashed potatoes?"

Slaves

Ella (age 5), during discussion of Virginia's Confederate History Month - "There aren't any slaves here anymore. The people who made slaves were bad. They made the slaves do all the work while they sat around and watched tv."

Cheesecake

Ella (age 5) - "I love cheesecake. I would marry it if I could."

Goldfish

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "Mom, I can't open this bag of goldfish?"
Me - "Sure, give it to me."
Me - (struggling to open bag)
Ella -  "I know, right? Fuck that thing."
Me -  "..."

Failure

(Kent is putting the kids to bed. Luke and Sophie are having full on tantrums.) 

Lily (age 7) - "Do you hear that, Mommy? That's the sound of failure."

Stink

Me - "Luke, what's this?"
Luke (age 2 1/2) - "Hand."
Me - "What's this?"
Luke - "Eyebow."
Me - "What's this?"
Luke -  "Sock."
Me - "No, what's under the sock?"
Luke -  "Stink."

Birthday

Me - "Luke, what do you want for your birthday?"
Luke (age almost 3) - "Corn!"

Mario Kart

Luke (age 3), after a particularly exciting Mario Kart race - "Great job, me!!!"

Noise

Me -  "Luke!! What are you doing?"
Luke (age 3) - "Nuffing. You don't hear dat noise."

Santa

Me -"Luke! You have GOT to stop peeing in your pants."
Luke (age 3) - "Or Santa will bring me rocks?"
Me -  "..."
Me - "Yes!!! Or Santa will bring you rocks."

Scat

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "You know what this is? Scat."

Lily (age 8) - "What?"

Ella - "Neil Armstrong couldn't remember his words, so he made up scat."

Me -  "Wait, what?"

Lily - "Oh yeah, he couldn't remember, so he made up scat."

Ella -  "YES! He forgot the words to his song, so he started singing nonsense words. Scat."

Me -  "..."

Me -  "OH! LOUIS Armstrong!!!"

Lily -  "So, it wasn't on the moon?"

FYI

More HELP

HELP

The Cheese Dip

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "What's this stuff on the driveway?"
Me - "Oh, that's the cheese dip. It fell out of the car and broke."
Ella - "Cheese?!?! Why does it always have to be the cheese? I can't take much more of this."

Really Tough

Ella (age 6 1/2) - "A guy in a dress is really tough, you know? Because he's mad that he's wearing a dress."

Texas Wedgies

Ella (age 6) to Luke (age 3) - "I'm the only Texan in the family. That means I can give Texas wedgies."

Drunk Driving

Lily (age 6) - "What's drunk driving?"
Me  - "When people drive after drinking too many beers. You shouldn't drink beers and drive, it's dangerous."

Five second pause

Lily - "Ok, I'll drink my beers at the stop lights."
Ella (age 4 1/2) - " Not me. I'll drink mine in the back seat. While Lily drives."

I Do Love Cheese

Ella (age 2 1/2) to Kent - "I don't love you. But I DO love cheese."

But Not Your Face

Lily (age 4) to Ella (age 2 1/2) -  "I like your shirt. But not your face."